1) For those of you who are red/green color blind here's a tip. The green light is the one on the bottom. This means you put your foot on the gas and go. I should not have to come to a complete stop behind you 30 seconds after the light changed. There is only one shade of green. We are going to see this at least twenty times between here and there. Don't make me get out of the car and slap you. Green = go.
2) It is not necessary to keep three car lengths between you and the vehicle in front of you unless you are traveling on the highway...in Iowa. This is a really great way to get yourself cut off from people passing on the right, not to mention pissing off the drivers behind you when you miss three consecutive lights in a row. If you're that afraid to drive...don't.
3) It's road construction. It happens every year. Unless the workers are naked, hot, and pole dancing there is no need for rubbernecking. It's a bucket loader for cripes sake. If you want to see one that dang bad go home and watch Bob the Builder.
4) This is New England. Speed limits are not suggestions. They are the bare minimum you may drive without someone climbing up your ass. For those of you unfamiliar, these signs are most often posted on the right hand side of the road. White boxes with numbers in them. If your speed does not match the number, either hurry the feck up or pull the feck over and let us pass. I don't care how lost you are, it is never cool to do 30 in a 45.
5) Not every one drives an automatic. Since my car doesn't have "impulse power" go means go. And if you absolutely feel you must crawl up my bumper on a hill, well, I hope you have great insurance. Because I drive a Jag. Guess what? If I roll back because the idiot in front of me is traveling on impulse power and hit you...you get the ding for rear ending me. "This is my dance space, and this is yours..."
6) Speaking of dance space, for those of you who feel the need to drive as close to the center line, or the lane dividing line as you can...knock that shite off. It's not snowing, so you don't have the excuse of staying in the tracks cut by other cars. Move the frick more into your lane. You know the grading on the side of the highway? The stuff that's there to warn you that you're about to smack into the guardrail or go off the shoulder? Yeah, it makes a sound that's similar in consequence to nails on a chalkboard. For a reason. Do not make me drive on it or I will hunt you down and kill you.
7) This isn't Massachusetts. Drivers entering the traffic rotary must yield to cars already in the fricking traffic circle. No, it is not ok to make a right hand turn from the far left hand lane. Contrary to popular belief you do not own the road. I do, so stay the feck out of my way, umkay?
8) Yes, America runs on Dunkin'. However, if it's anytime before nine am and you feel the need to order six sandwiches and six specialty drinks, plus two dozen individually specified Munchkins, get your lazy asterisk out of the fecking car and go inside. Oh, and here's a tip to go along with number 2 above. If the person taking your order is shouting at you asking what you would like, pull your fecking car up to the drive thru mic. I promise you, the car in front of you doesn't have cooties. And for crying loud out be decisive. If you don't know what you want, get out of line and go inside so the rest of us can get our measly iced coffee black and get the frick to work.
9) Lastly, just because you are on vacation at the beach doesn't mean I am. Or at least half the people you are holding up with your idiotic behaviors. I don't care if you are going nowhere slowly and have all dang day to get there, I don't. So be courteous, and get the feck out of the way if you don't know what you are doing.
Love this! I can especially relate to #3 and #8. But I should warn you---don't come to South Florida because these violations are pretty much the rules of the damn roads down here....
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