Retail Rant ~ An insider's view

I've worked in the speciality retail industry for most of the last twenty five years.  No, it isn't a masochistic streak in my personality even though some days it feels like it.  I enjoy it.  I'm fantastic at it.  And I know a lot of other fine folks who also enjoy and are fantastic at it.  It's a good thing, too, because otherwise shopping could suck a lot more than it often does.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I've seen my fair share of lazy, snotty, disinterested and downright incompetent store associates.  Hell, I've hired and fired a few of them myself.  You know that old gem about how good help is hard to find?  It's even harder to find when the job pays minimum wage, offers crappy hours and requires you to be in a good mood all day, everyday.  No matter what.

There are a lot of blogs and articles written out there about people getting poor customer service, and in most cases I agree with all of them.  But having been in the business for so long, I often wonder what about the encounter the complainer might be leaving out.  So here are, in no particular order, a list of things we store employees would really like to bitch about.

1)  Don't talk on your cell phone at the checkout.  This isn't just rude, it's downright impossible for the associate to complete your transaction without any, you know, verbal interaction with you.  If the call you are taking is that much more important than your purchase, maybe you should finish it before you go shopping, or at least before you step up to the register.  If you absolutely must be on the phone when you are shopping, perhaps you could save us both a lot of irritation and just shop online.  What's really funny about this one is that if the associate is the one yakking on the phone throughout the process you'd get really pissy about it.  It goes both ways, so put the phone away.

2)  Plan your time.  You know how it goes.  You pop into a store on your way somewhere else (like a doctor's appointment, or to work, or even home to pick up the kiddos,) just wanting to get one thing really quickly and get back out.  So in you go, only to find the store is having a huge sale and the line is eight miles long, or they are having technical difficulties and the registers aren't working for a few minutes, or any number of other things that are now delaying your quicky purchase.  Guess what, folks, bitching loudly about it or being rude isn't going to get you out of there any faster.  Mostly it just makes you look like an asshole to the other shoppers who are waiting in line, and to us too.  Yeah, sometimes it might be a slow cashier, but usually it's something we can't control.  So do everyone a favor.  Wait nicely in line like everybody else has to, or put the item down and come back when you have more time.  Believe me, we aren't busy just to piss you off.

3)  Fitting rooms are not garbage cans.  This one should be a nobrainer, but you wouldn't believe the stuff people leave in there.  Ok, so you have a cold and use a tissue from your purse to blow your nose.  Yay for you for not using your sleeve, or one of the garments you are trying on.  Now, what makes anyone think that it's cool to leave that snotty, germ ridden tissue on the bench, floor, or stuck to the goddamned wall?  Diapers?  You changed junior's poopy one, and left it for us to find, (what's that smell?)  I guarantee there isn't a store out there that doesn't have a garbage can if you just asked.  I'm leaving out a variety of other things found in fitting rooms over the years (hint, they are fitting rooms, not toilets, and the doorknob isn't the best place to discard that used condom) because some people are just mentally ill.

4)  Control your heathens.  I hate to break it to you, but a store is not an amusement park.  There is to be no swinging from the racks, no yanking things off the walls, no sword fighting with hangers or the hooks we use to get stuff down from up high, no sprinting around the store, and no spitting and/or smearing of spit, boogers, lips, butts or faces on the mirrors.  All of which does happen, usually when the supervising adult is ignoring said heathen.  We are not paid to babysit.  Also, not only are these behaviors disruptive for the associates and other shoppers alike, they are dangerous.  Store fixtures aren't made by Little Tykes, and haven't been designed or safety rated for use as jungle gym substitutes.  It isn't "cute" if junior gets hurt, or hurts someone else, so please, make him stop or I will.

5)  As a matter of fact, I do have something to do today.  You know what?  It's ok if you need to riffle through a stack of  neatly folded shirts to find the size and color you want.  It's ok if you don't know how to hang stuff back up the way we do, or if you need to leave a pile of clothes in the fitting room, or take something off a display to try on and/or buy.  We are totally cool with that.  But please, please refrain from saying "at least it'll give you something to do."  Because believe it or not, we have a million things that need doing on any given day.  If you could see the list most of the time you would probably find it overwhelming.  Here's the thing.  You, the customer, are the reason we come to work every day.  Without you, we wouldn't have a job to come to.  We get that, we really do, and we want to do everything we can to help you have a successful and pleasant shopping experience.  But by saying "at least it'll give you something to do," you are implying that I have absolutely nothing else to do, and you have saved my job (because if employees have nothing else to do but stand around they usually end up being eliminated to save payroll) by making it so I have to refold the display.  Seriously?  If you really want to provide job security for a retail employee, I'll tell you how.  Buy Something.

6)  Store associates have no control over the product in the store.  You know those favorite jeans you bought eight years ago and now want to replace?  So you go back to the store where you got them, and, fat surprise, they don't carry them anymore.  Or you are looking for a specific kind of top and (no bling, elbow sleeves, a different color...whatever) you can't find it anywhere?  Or the bra you want doesn't come in your size.  No, it isn't discrimination and grounds for a lawsuit if you wear a 34F and can't find it in a store.  Yelling at the associates isn't going to change a damn thing, since we have people back at corporate who are paid a hell of a lot more money than we are who get to decide what product we carry, what size it comes in, and how much of it each store gets.  Don't like that those pants aren't available in petite?  Don't care for the fit of a particular blouse?  Don't complain to us...we can't do anything about it.  Wanna holla at somebody?  Send an email to the home office. Write to your congressman.  But for Christ's sake get it through your mind that we have what we have, and the people at the store level don't get a say in what we have.  Honestly, we are mostly ignored by our buyers and corporate offices.  Complaining to us will get you nowhere, and getting angry at us will just make you look stupid.  We. Don't. Have. It.  Move along...and keep in mind that if we don't have what you're looking for, describing it in greater detail won't make it magically appear.

7)  No, we can't take back those pants you wore and washed for two years and now want to return.  There are defects, and then there's just plain asshattery and die hard dumbassness.  Let me clue you in on something.  Stores are in business to make money.  Anytime we return something that is not saleable, we loose money, because that item needs to be damaged out, and that comes straight out of our profits.  Why, do you suppose, so many of your favorite stores are no longer where they were the last time you went to shop them?  Hmmm, do you suppose it could be because they weren't making dosh?  Retailers are not in the business of you buy it once and then can keep trading it in for a newer model for free.  Stuff wears out.  Mainly because you freaking wore it.  There are washing instructions included in every garment for a reason, folks.  If the bra says specifically to line dry, don't put it in the dryer.  And if you do, don't expect to be able to get your money back because you were too lazy to understand that spandex and lycra break down under heat.  The hem of the skirt you bought came out the third time you wore it?  Why the hell did you pull on the thread without finding out what it went to?  And why can't you figure out how to fix it?  "Oh, Miss, I bought these pants because I knew they were too big but I hoped I could shrink them...that didn't work and now I'd like my money back."  "I bought this outfit/dress for an occasion, wore it, and now want to return it because I spent too much money on it."  Or my very favorite, "I bought these jeans that were ten sizes too small for me and they split up the ass when I bent over.  They must be defective...."

8)  It's. Our. Job.  Here's another clue for the uninitiated.  It's our job to say hello when you come into our store.  It's our job to suggest additional merchandise that compliments your selections.  It's our freaking job to ask for your phone number or zip code, or to promote our brand credit card.  If you don't like it, you can again blame those geniuses back at corporate, for creating metrics that each store, and store associate must reach in order to be deemed as "doing their job."  Not only that, it's our job to make you aware of every damn thing, so don't go getting all Kung Fu on our asses when we are just doing our job.  If you don't want to give out your phone number, that's fine.  But please remember that Google, and half the know universe already has it.  If you don't want a store credit card, that's also fine, but recognize that my boss has said I need to get so many people to apply for one, and so yeah, I'm going to ask you.  Also recognize that an offer of credit from me to you does not mean you need to lecture me on the evils of credit cards.  A simple yes or no will do.  Just because I work in retail does not automatically make me an idiot.  Save the condescending attitude for another time.  If I say hello to you?  Don't effing ignore me.  Because I can guarantee that once you have an arm full of things to try on, you would be pretty pissed if I didn't offer to at least help you to a fitting room or to set them the fuck down for you.  Every single thing that store associates do, they do because that is what the job requires.  Again, write to the corporate office, or you congressman...but don't take it out on us.  I'm pretty sure that your boss makes you do things too.

9)  Be nice.  I don't care who pissed in your cornflakes this morning.  It is not my job to deal with your bad mood, no matter that everyone assumes that the customer is always right.  Guess what?  You're not.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  Want me to do something for you?  Be nice to me.  Retail and food service workers get the brunt of asshole moods, maybe because everyone feels the need to make themselves feel better by being a dick to someone else they think has to put up with it.  We don't.  Your boss bitched at you?  Your dog died?  You just discovered that your boyfriend/husband is cheating on you?  Your best friend called you fat?  Is any of that my freaking fault?  Don't walk into a store with a chip on your shoulder and an attitude, because there are a few certainties in life...namely death, taxes, and the fact that if you project a bad attitude you can expect to get the same thing back.  How do you know that my boss didn't just bitch at me?  That my dog didn't die?  That my husband isn't cheating on me?  The people you find in stores are just that...people.  Not robots, not there to take whatever abuse the general public feels like dishing out.  Be nice.  We are so very willing to help you, if you can be nice.  Check the bitchy attitude at the door.  If you ask me nicely, I just might give you what you want.